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Bernard Carter

If Only I'd Known!

If Only I'd Known!

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This book follows on from 'It Wasn't Me Sir' as Bernard Carter leaves school and tries to become an adult. With hilarious consequences. Being grown up is a real pain!

He has to clean his teeth, wash daily and change his underpants more often. Get drunk, have sex, get married, become a student. Acquire a ‘dipstick’ dog, a Lambretta, a death wish and a job with egg-bound scientists.

At work he is forced to buy cream cakes for people he does not like; he tries, and fails to get off with the tea girl, but he does have better success drinking, getting drunk and holding up the last bus to Heanor.

First-time sex was a disaster, not helped by a snuffling dog and a mean-spirited barber. He does get a wife and she gets Jumbo the canine equivalent of the village idiot! His aged father-in-law also gives him sex advice in an unintelligible dialect,

He also starts a caving club, gets stuck in a hole with a dysenteric dog; and sees pictures of his neighbour’s naked wife. These and many more stories will keep you entertained and laughing out loud.

About the Author

Born and educated in Derby, Bernard Carter left the area after gaining a Diploma in Creative Photography at the College of Art.

After a short, but successful career in photography he became a self-taught Botanical Artist and Illustrator and still exhibits on behalf of the Royal Horticultural Society as a Gold Medallist.

Bernard has moved constantly around the UK and is well travelled having a particular love for the remoter parts of Australia. He presently lives in Miller’s Dale, Derbyshire.

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